Well internet blog readers (for I'm not sure if anyone reads my posts any more) here is the latest:
As of 3pm this afternoon the arch bars were RIPPED from my teeth. Now, I'm prone to exaggeration from time-to-time, but rest assured, this was not one of those times. I'll start with the positive.
I had three of the most amazing oral surgery senior residents. Full of compassion they explained to me that freezing my mouth was an option, but would take about 16 needles and painful in and of itself. The other option was to be brave, go slowly, hold one of the resident's hands and raise my other hand if it got too much. I somehow hoped there would be a third option. Total sedation. Such was not the case.
If you are about to go through this and have the option take it. Provided you have someone with you to take you home.
I can seldom think of a more painful experience in my life than what I went through. Imagine each one of your teeth is wrapped with wire all held by one big solid bar. Now imagine someone has to go in with pliers, cut the big bar, and then pull so that the wrapped wires come unwrapped and yank through you teeth, section by section. Now remember, your jaw is still healing from a fracture so imagine that someone has to hold your jaw and head in place as they rip. Perhaps it would be easier for you to imagine having each tooth ripped from you mouth. Well there you have it. When it was done, about 20 minutes non-stop, I cried like a baby. Just a release. The doctor who was holding my hand said "open you eyes so you don't internalize everything". Now that might not mean much to you but to me, it spoke volumes. I opened my eyes and just let it go.
At this point I am totally convinced that I would be USELESS giving birth. Thank god I'm a man and that will never happen. But if childbirth is anything like this (though the opposite end of the body!) I understand why millions of women start out without drugs and half way through yell...GIVE ME THE BLOODY DRUGS!
So its done. I'm home resting in bed with my friend Advil and Tylenol 3. My front teeth received quite a blow and the doctor told me I may well loose them. This is devastating to me. With no dental coverage I'm certain to be facing financial hardship on top of this. I'm not saying this to win your hearts. This blog is for me primarily.
I'm terrified. My 25 year career is in jeopardy. I know at a time like this I'm supposed to be thinking of others worse off, but in my own world and reality, this is pretty bad for me and my life and struggle.
I live in a country with National Health Care. It is a travesty that dental injuries cause from an accident stemming from post sedation fainting isn't covered. I have to pick my battles right now. Hiring a lawyer just does factor in to things. And so, though 6 weeks in, the Muzzled man has had his muzzle removed, I still feel somewhat powerless.
Thanks for listening...whoever you are. I should rest. It's been a rough afternoon.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
a pause....
Today I choose not to write about my own situation and honor those who lost their lives (and their surviving loved ones) nine years ago on the September 11 tragedy.
Peace
Memorial Site
Peace
Memorial Site
Friday, September 10, 2010
waxing profusely ...
Have you ever looked at a candle and thought to yourself...."I think I'd like to melt that candle down, let the wax cool a bit and then press it all over my teeth and gums"?
I can't honestly say it has been in my bucket list of things I'd like to accomplish before I bite the big one. However, that has been my life as of late. The arch bar wires continue to drive themselves into the inside of my mouth much like barbed wire would and hence the dental wax which in theory is supposed to provide a little hat for all the sharp ends. The problem is, the darned stuff doesn't stay on very long.
Now that I can eat mushy food I've been testing the limits and I may have gone to far. My jaw is killing me tonight! I'm thinking I should write the makers of Advil and ask for some kind of corporate sponsorship. It does seem to help.
If you are reading this and are going through, or will go through jaw wiring let me say, once you get to the elastic bands stage they become your best friend. Setting your jaw free while eat sounds lovely in practice but you may well find, as I do, that returning to the safety of the rubber bands after wards provides a great sense of comfort and stability.
Tomorrow is a reunion of an important group of professionals of which I was involved early in my career. I was the original organizer of the reunion and folks are flying in from all over. It breaks my heart that I won't be there. It's in a city a plane trip away from here and I can't justify going knowing that I won't be able to participate and that after 25 years the last thing I want to do is show up with a mouth full of metal and smashed teeth. I'm going to put it out of my mind (though clearly I am failing).
I wrote Oprah, Dr. Oz, Ellen, The Doctors and a couple of others with my story. I always love watching those episodes where they surprise someone in need and I thought "well, what the heck". I don't imagine I'll ever hear from them, but I can always dream.
Tonight I roasted a squash. It's winter squash season and I ADORE it (possibly more than popcorn). It's warm, mushy and I scoop and eat it right out of its skin after slow roasting it for 90 minutes in the oven so it gets lovely and sweet on its own. I don't go for all that brown sugar and butter stuff. I figure, if God wanted it to have candy on it, it would grow with a little bag of candy to sprinkle on. Its naturally sweet if you cook it right. My favorite is the Japanese Kapocha squash, otherwise known as the "cup less buttercup". It is orange inside like a sweet potato and just stunning to eat with a bit of fresh grated sea salt. I'm starting to get my strength back now that I'm eating more than just blender food. That feels good.
Fall is on its way. Fall is my most favorite time of year. It makes me feel so cozy and snugly. The nights are getting cool...sometimes down right chilly. I dislike winter (though it's pretty to look at) but this time of year is just so romantic.
Oh romance...who will have me in this mess? And so I will wax profusely about my lack of the stuff. Lucky in wax, unlucky in romance. Nice dude!
I can't honestly say it has been in my bucket list of things I'd like to accomplish before I bite the big one. However, that has been my life as of late. The arch bar wires continue to drive themselves into the inside of my mouth much like barbed wire would and hence the dental wax which in theory is supposed to provide a little hat for all the sharp ends. The problem is, the darned stuff doesn't stay on very long.
Now that I can eat mushy food I've been testing the limits and I may have gone to far. My jaw is killing me tonight! I'm thinking I should write the makers of Advil and ask for some kind of corporate sponsorship. It does seem to help.
If you are reading this and are going through, or will go through jaw wiring let me say, once you get to the elastic bands stage they become your best friend. Setting your jaw free while eat sounds lovely in practice but you may well find, as I do, that returning to the safety of the rubber bands after wards provides a great sense of comfort and stability.
Tomorrow is a reunion of an important group of professionals of which I was involved early in my career. I was the original organizer of the reunion and folks are flying in from all over. It breaks my heart that I won't be there. It's in a city a plane trip away from here and I can't justify going knowing that I won't be able to participate and that after 25 years the last thing I want to do is show up with a mouth full of metal and smashed teeth. I'm going to put it out of my mind (though clearly I am failing).
I wrote Oprah, Dr. Oz, Ellen, The Doctors and a couple of others with my story. I always love watching those episodes where they surprise someone in need and I thought "well, what the heck". I don't imagine I'll ever hear from them, but I can always dream.
Tonight I roasted a squash. It's winter squash season and I ADORE it (possibly more than popcorn). It's warm, mushy and I scoop and eat it right out of its skin after slow roasting it for 90 minutes in the oven so it gets lovely and sweet on its own. I don't go for all that brown sugar and butter stuff. I figure, if God wanted it to have candy on it, it would grow with a little bag of candy to sprinkle on. Its naturally sweet if you cook it right. My favorite is the Japanese Kapocha squash, otherwise known as the "cup less buttercup". It is orange inside like a sweet potato and just stunning to eat with a bit of fresh grated sea salt. I'm starting to get my strength back now that I'm eating more than just blender food. That feels good.
Fall is on its way. Fall is my most favorite time of year. It makes me feel so cozy and snugly. The nights are getting cool...sometimes down right chilly. I dislike winter (though it's pretty to look at) but this time of year is just so romantic.
Oh romance...who will have me in this mess? And so I will wax profusely about my lack of the stuff. Lucky in wax, unlucky in romance. Nice dude!
Monday, September 6, 2010
birthday boy bites the big one
Okay, it wasn't THAT big, but for my birthday yesterday a friend sent me an edible bouquet. You know, those arrangements of fruit and chocolate that look like flowers. Lots of chocolate dipped strawberries. BIG ones! At first I thought "what the H*** am I going to do with this? But when one is basically starving for calories and a jaw just unhinged, it's amazing how resourceful you can get. I called upon the instincts of "Survivor" and pulled that arrangement apart. I started chopping up the fruit and did you know that chocolate just falls off dipped fruit in chunks. Decadent dark chocolate melting in my mouth. Eventually I'd had my fill and then started packaging it all up in freezer containers for treats. Between all the cut up frozen fruit I had already in their for smoothies, and now the new batch, Scurvy will never come knocking at my door! I usually eat pounds of veggies in day, but 1 or 2 servings of fruit max. So I'm set for the winter. And since all of this fruit is summer fruit, it will be great in the dead of winter.
I'm almost certain I gained back all the weight lost on my birthday. It was a quiet day, no big party. I got myself a to-die-for candle at my local book store from a company called PADDYWAX. If you can find these candles GET ONE. I got one of the Enviro Candles (which is burning while I type) These are soy based aromatherapy candles and the one I got is pure orgasm! Only after I visited their site did I see that they are a fav. among celebrities. I wonder if I burn this every day, will I become a celebrity?
I could use the budget of a celebrity right now.
My teeth are still sensitive. The inside of my gums are shredded from all these wires. It's like negotiating with barbed wire. I've swallowed a lot of dental wax which I was given to stick on the sharp parts. I wonder if there is fiber in edible wax?
In 10 days I go back for a follow up. The plan is to get the arch bars off if I'm doing well. I read that they drug you for it. They better, I'm a total whimp.
I'm almost willing to be my teeth will feel like death when all this comes off.
Then the next challenge. Facing the estimate my dentist will present me with to reconstruct the busted teeth, root canal for the one that fell out. I'll think about that another. Denial is a powerful tool right now. That and more chocolate. I feel my freezer calling my name....
I'm almost certain I gained back all the weight lost on my birthday. It was a quiet day, no big party. I got myself a to-die-for candle at my local book store from a company called PADDYWAX. If you can find these candles GET ONE. I got one of the Enviro Candles (which is burning while I type) These are soy based aromatherapy candles and the one I got is pure orgasm! Only after I visited their site did I see that they are a fav. among celebrities. I wonder if I burn this every day, will I become a celebrity?
I could use the budget of a celebrity right now.
My teeth are still sensitive. The inside of my gums are shredded from all these wires. It's like negotiating with barbed wire. I've swallowed a lot of dental wax which I was given to stick on the sharp parts. I wonder if there is fiber in edible wax?
In 10 days I go back for a follow up. The plan is to get the arch bars off if I'm doing well. I read that they drug you for it. They better, I'm a total whimp.
I'm almost willing to be my teeth will feel like death when all this comes off.
Then the next challenge. Facing the estimate my dentist will present me with to reconstruct the busted teeth, root canal for the one that fell out. I'll think about that another. Denial is a powerful tool right now. That and more chocolate. I feel my freezer calling my name....
Saturday, September 4, 2010
'twas the night before b'day
Dear Reader
If you've put up with my belly-aching over the past few days I have a ray of hope on which to write. Call it coincidence, call it nature at work, call it the Universe conspiring to help me through this...no matter what I find some improvement to report. My jaw is beginning to close in a normal position, and I'm regaining some sensation in my teeth that is not just pain but familiarity. It's hard to write about something so instinctual that we've all done since the day we grew teeth and opened and closed our mouths. Those Lego blocks I wrote about before. They are beginning to snap together. My shattered front teeth are still frightfully painful but I was able to take my elastics off, eat something soft, brush my teeth and then put them back on again. I had scrambled eggs and steamed some frozen veggie blend a bit longer than I otherwise might to make them softer. I cut them up into tiny chunks and was able to very slowly squish them between my teeth.
It is the night before my 48th birthday. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather not have any of this interfere with a age I'd just as soon forget about. But if I had to get any gift, the gift of feeling like my bite might actually be starting to fall back into place is a good gift.
The weather dropped from our staggering heat wave over night to an absolute frigid 16 degrees today. That's some place in the 60's for those who know Fahrenheit. The wind is blowing like crazy and it is like a fall day.
Fall is my most favorite time of the year and so this is also a good gift. I bought a big buttercup squash which I'm going to slow roast in the oven. One of my most favorite foods (other than chocolate and popcorn). A bit of butter and salt, I scoop it out of the skin and eat it just like that. This will be my "birthday cake". I'm going to bake an apple with brown sugar, spices, and oatmeal and have it with some yogurt for another treat. I think I can get it soft enough to eat. I'm not a big cake person. I like Pie and big chunky chocolate peanut butter cookies. But neither do I can to mash it up or put in a blender. That's just ruins a perfect food. So instead, I'll have other things I like.
There is still much to figure out. Like how to pay for all of this. But I have to focus on getting better.
Today I rode my stationary bike and watched the HBO film "Temple Grandin" which just one a truck load of Emmy Awards. If you have not watch it, get your hands on a copy. It is so inspiring! Temple Grandin is a woman living with Autism. She is a University Professor now (Animal Behavior Studies) yet at the age of 4 she was diagnose as never being able to speak. Of course, in those days, Autism was put in the same category as severe schizophrenia and institutionalizing patients was the usual practice. Amazing how archaic medicine was not very long ago really.
So I figure, if Temple Grandin can make it, I most certainly can.
I was an obese teenager, and when I when to University I was told I'd never set foot on professional stages as a performer. 25 years of work to my credit proves them wrong. There few lessons to learn in life when things are easy, smooth sailing, and always going our way. Where I sit right now, clearly I'll stand to learn a lot from this. How to trust, how to be resourceful, how to believe in the unbelievable.
Not a bad blog message on the night before....
If you've put up with my belly-aching over the past few days I have a ray of hope on which to write. Call it coincidence, call it nature at work, call it the Universe conspiring to help me through this...no matter what I find some improvement to report. My jaw is beginning to close in a normal position, and I'm regaining some sensation in my teeth that is not just pain but familiarity. It's hard to write about something so instinctual that we've all done since the day we grew teeth and opened and closed our mouths. Those Lego blocks I wrote about before. They are beginning to snap together. My shattered front teeth are still frightfully painful but I was able to take my elastics off, eat something soft, brush my teeth and then put them back on again. I had scrambled eggs and steamed some frozen veggie blend a bit longer than I otherwise might to make them softer. I cut them up into tiny chunks and was able to very slowly squish them between my teeth.
It is the night before my 48th birthday. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather not have any of this interfere with a age I'd just as soon forget about. But if I had to get any gift, the gift of feeling like my bite might actually be starting to fall back into place is a good gift.
The weather dropped from our staggering heat wave over night to an absolute frigid 16 degrees today. That's some place in the 60's for those who know Fahrenheit. The wind is blowing like crazy and it is like a fall day.
Fall is my most favorite time of the year and so this is also a good gift. I bought a big buttercup squash which I'm going to slow roast in the oven. One of my most favorite foods (other than chocolate and popcorn). A bit of butter and salt, I scoop it out of the skin and eat it just like that. This will be my "birthday cake". I'm going to bake an apple with brown sugar, spices, and oatmeal and have it with some yogurt for another treat. I think I can get it soft enough to eat. I'm not a big cake person. I like Pie and big chunky chocolate peanut butter cookies. But neither do I can to mash it up or put in a blender. That's just ruins a perfect food. So instead, I'll have other things I like.
There is still much to figure out. Like how to pay for all of this. But I have to focus on getting better.
Today I rode my stationary bike and watched the HBO film "Temple Grandin" which just one a truck load of Emmy Awards. If you have not watch it, get your hands on a copy. It is so inspiring! Temple Grandin is a woman living with Autism. She is a University Professor now (Animal Behavior Studies) yet at the age of 4 she was diagnose as never being able to speak. Of course, in those days, Autism was put in the same category as severe schizophrenia and institutionalizing patients was the usual practice. Amazing how archaic medicine was not very long ago really.
So I figure, if Temple Grandin can make it, I most certainly can.
I was an obese teenager, and when I when to University I was told I'd never set foot on professional stages as a performer. 25 years of work to my credit proves them wrong. There few lessons to learn in life when things are easy, smooth sailing, and always going our way. Where I sit right now, clearly I'll stand to learn a lot from this. How to trust, how to be resourceful, how to believe in the unbelievable.
Not a bad blog message on the night before....
Friday, September 3, 2010
Numb struck and far from home...
Hello Reader
It's 24 hours later from my very bleak post and the changes since then are minimal. I'm lost without extra strength Advil. The pain is reduced by maybe 2%. I can move my jaw a little bit to exercise it. My teeth are in such pain. Just touching a tooth brush on them is agonizing. I suppose it makes sense that the front ones, which are quite broken, one which fell out is splinted...they would hurt. But every other one does as well. I tried to bite on a little slice of mushroom from a can and couldn't make my teeth cut through it.
My two front teeth are such a mess. My gums ache. Basically the only food I can eat is mush. But the stress doesn't leave me with much of an appetite. I must keep eating anyway. I'm 6feet tall and weigh 124 pounds right now...not good.
Getting the wires cut has allowed me to deal with the stains on my teeth from not brushing properly for 3.5 weeks. I just had to wait until the Advil kicked in, take a deep breath and work with Sensodine tooth paste and a bit of baking soda to get the brown off each tooth. Then I got my Sucalbrush out and started flossing in between. Each tooth more painful than the previous. Then I took my tongue scrapper and got the crap off, then mouthwash with no alcohol. So my teeth are looking at least clean, tough broken.
When I close my jaw they are still not coming together. Imagine snapping two Lego blocks together. The top bumps snap into the spaces between the bottom bumps right. Now imagine putting them together so the bumps of the top brick come right down on the bumps of the bottom brick and they don't fit together. Well that's what my teeth are like. The points off the top molars are now coming right down on top of the points of the bottom rather than fitting into the spaces.
This really worries me. It's the long weekend here now so there is no way I'll get seen by anyone.
I'm praying for some kind of "auto-adjust" as the jaw heals. Essentially a miracle.
It's good to know that my tongue is free. That if I got sick to my stomach for some reason I wouldn't have to fear choking. I've traded a feeling of claustrophobia for pain.
I'm sorry for all the belly aching. I did say from the on-set that this was a Blog to get my feelings out, self indulgent I know. Keep me in your thoughts prayers. It's a long way home from here.
It's 24 hours later from my very bleak post and the changes since then are minimal. I'm lost without extra strength Advil. The pain is reduced by maybe 2%. I can move my jaw a little bit to exercise it. My teeth are in such pain. Just touching a tooth brush on them is agonizing. I suppose it makes sense that the front ones, which are quite broken, one which fell out is splinted...they would hurt. But every other one does as well. I tried to bite on a little slice of mushroom from a can and couldn't make my teeth cut through it.
My two front teeth are such a mess. My gums ache. Basically the only food I can eat is mush. But the stress doesn't leave me with much of an appetite. I must keep eating anyway. I'm 6feet tall and weigh 124 pounds right now...not good.
Getting the wires cut has allowed me to deal with the stains on my teeth from not brushing properly for 3.5 weeks. I just had to wait until the Advil kicked in, take a deep breath and work with Sensodine tooth paste and a bit of baking soda to get the brown off each tooth. Then I got my Sucalbrush out and started flossing in between. Each tooth more painful than the previous. Then I took my tongue scrapper and got the crap off, then mouthwash with no alcohol. So my teeth are looking at least clean, tough broken.
When I close my jaw they are still not coming together. Imagine snapping two Lego blocks together. The top bumps snap into the spaces between the bottom bumps right. Now imagine putting them together so the bumps of the top brick come right down on the bumps of the bottom brick and they don't fit together. Well that's what my teeth are like. The points off the top molars are now coming right down on top of the points of the bottom rather than fitting into the spaces.
This really worries me. It's the long weekend here now so there is no way I'll get seen by anyone.
I'm praying for some kind of "auto-adjust" as the jaw heals. Essentially a miracle.
It's good to know that my tongue is free. That if I got sick to my stomach for some reason I wouldn't have to fear choking. I've traded a feeling of claustrophobia for pain.
I'm sorry for all the belly aching. I did say from the on-set that this was a Blog to get my feelings out, self indulgent I know. Keep me in your thoughts prayers. It's a long way home from here.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A party of the worst kind...
Oh dear readers, this is not going to be a good entry and I apologize in advance. If you need to read some good news, I invite you to head to another blog. Today was supposed to be something to look forward to, instead I am writing you wracked in agony. Today my wires were cut. My jaw flapped around like new born trying to stand up. I sort of knew that the feeling was going to be weird, but this is weird in a bad way. Firstly, my jaw is killing me. I hadn't had any pain since the wiring occurred, but now it feels like I just feel again. I have a throbbing head ache. My wires have been replace with two elastics. The arch bars are still on the top and bottom.
The good news is I can open my mouth about two fingers wide. The bad news is, I can't close my teeth together. My bite has completely shifted, and in a really bad way. My teeth don't come together where they used to. It's like they are all off by 1/2 tooth. This will leave me totally bankrupt. I can't imagine living like this, with this much pain.
For certain, as it stands, I can say goodbye to a 25 year career. This jaw and bite mechanism is to my career what the hand is to a pianist. I can now put pudding in my mouth and don't need to blend everything. Problem is, I'm so beside myself with anxiety and pain I don't have much of an appetite.
I never would have imagined this would happen to me. I never would have imagined that three days before my 48th birthday, life has thrown me something so difficult to deal with emotionally and physically. My parents are a mess over this. 1000 of miles away, feeling powerless to help. They're in their 80's, they don't need this.
I realize that people are dying of cancer today. Have lost loved ones today. Have lost houses today. Are stuck miles under the ground in a mine today. But that doesn't diminish my own little hell. I don't know how this will all play out.
If you pray, if you chant, what ever you do, keep me in mind. It's pity party time for this blogger.
The good news is I can open my mouth about two fingers wide. The bad news is, I can't close my teeth together. My bite has completely shifted, and in a really bad way. My teeth don't come together where they used to. It's like they are all off by 1/2 tooth. This will leave me totally bankrupt. I can't imagine living like this, with this much pain.
For certain, as it stands, I can say goodbye to a 25 year career. This jaw and bite mechanism is to my career what the hand is to a pianist. I can now put pudding in my mouth and don't need to blend everything. Problem is, I'm so beside myself with anxiety and pain I don't have much of an appetite.
I never would have imagined this would happen to me. I never would have imagined that three days before my 48th birthday, life has thrown me something so difficult to deal with emotionally and physically. My parents are a mess over this. 1000 of miles away, feeling powerless to help. They're in their 80's, they don't need this.
I realize that people are dying of cancer today. Have lost loved ones today. Have lost houses today. Are stuck miles under the ground in a mine today. But that doesn't diminish my own little hell. I don't know how this will all play out.
If you pray, if you chant, what ever you do, keep me in mind. It's pity party time for this blogger.
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