'twas the night before b'day

Dear Reader
If you've put up with my belly-aching over the past few days I have a ray of hope on which to write. Call it coincidence, call it nature at work, call it the Universe conspiring to help me through this...no matter what I find some improvement to report.  My jaw is beginning to close in a normal position, and I'm regaining some sensation in my teeth that is not just pain but familiarity.  It's hard to write about something so instinctual that we've all done since the day we grew teeth and opened and closed our mouths.  Those Lego blocks I wrote about before. They are beginning to snap together.  My shattered front teeth are still frightfully painful but I was able to take my elastics off, eat something soft, brush my teeth and then put them back on again.  I had scrambled eggs and steamed some frozen veggie blend a bit longer than I otherwise might to make them softer.  I cut them up into tiny chunks and was able to very slowly squish them between my teeth.
It is the night before my 48th birthday. Don't get me wrong. I'd rather not have any of this interfere with a age I'd just as soon forget about. But if I had to get any gift, the gift of feeling like my bite might actually be starting to fall back into place is a good gift.
The weather dropped from our staggering heat wave over night to an absolute frigid 16 degrees today. That's some place in the 60's for those who know Fahrenheit.  The wind is blowing like crazy and it is like a fall day.
Fall is my most favorite time of the  year and so this is also a good gift.  I bought a big buttercup squash which I'm going to slow roast in the oven. One of my most favorite foods (other than chocolate and popcorn).  A bit of butter and salt, I scoop it out of the skin and eat it just like that.  This will be my "birthday cake".  I'm going to bake an apple with brown sugar, spices, and oatmeal and have it with some yogurt for another treat.  I think I can get it soft enough to eat.  I'm not a big cake person. I like Pie and big chunky chocolate peanut butter cookies. But neither do I can to mash it up or put in a blender. That's just ruins a perfect food. So instead, I'll have other things I like.
There is still much to figure out.  Like how to pay for all of this. But I have to focus on getting better.
Today I rode my stationary bike and watched the HBO film "Temple Grandin" which just one a truck load of Emmy Awards. If you have not watch it, get your hands on a copy.  It is so inspiring!  Temple Grandin is a woman living with Autism.  She is a University Professor now (Animal Behavior Studies) yet at the age of 4 she was diagnose as never being able to speak. Of course, in those days, Autism was put in the same category as severe schizophrenia and institutionalizing patients was the usual practice.  Amazing how archaic medicine was not very long ago really.
So I figure, if Temple Grandin can make it, I most certainly can.
I was an obese teenager, and when I when to University I was told I'd never set foot on professional stages as a performer.  25 years of work to my credit proves them wrong.  There few lessons to learn in life when things are easy, smooth sailing, and always going our way.  Where I sit right now, clearly I'll stand to learn a lot from this.  How to trust, how to be resourceful, how to believe in the unbelievable.
Not a bad blog message on the night before....

Numb struck and far from home...

Hello Reader
It's 24 hours later from my very bleak post and the changes since then are minimal.  I'm lost without extra strength Advil. The pain is reduced by maybe 2%.  I can move my jaw a little bit to exercise it.  My teeth are in such pain. Just touching a tooth brush on them is agonizing.  I suppose it makes sense that the front ones, which are quite broken, one which fell out is splinted...they would hurt. But every other one does as well.  I tried to bite on a little slice of mushroom from a can and couldn't make my teeth cut through it. 
My two front teeth are such a mess. My gums ache.  Basically the only food I can eat is mush. But the stress doesn't leave me with much of an appetite.  I must keep eating anyway. I'm 6feet tall and weigh 124 pounds right now...not good.
Getting the wires cut has allowed me to deal with the stains on my teeth from not brushing properly for 3.5 weeks. I just had to wait until the Advil kicked in, take a deep breath and work with Sensodine tooth paste and a bit of baking soda to get the brown off each tooth.  Then I got my Sucalbrush out and started flossing in between.  Each tooth more painful than the previous.  Then I took my tongue scrapper and got the crap off, then mouthwash with no alcohol.  So my teeth are looking at least clean, tough broken.
When I close my jaw they are still not coming together. Imagine snapping two Lego blocks together.  The top bumps snap into the spaces between the bottom bumps right.  Now imagine putting them together so the bumps of the top brick come right down on the bumps of the bottom brick and they don't fit together. Well that's what my teeth are like.  The points off the top molars are now coming  right down on top of the points of the bottom rather than fitting into the spaces.
This really worries me.  It's the long weekend here now so there is no way I'll get seen by anyone.

I'm praying for some kind of "auto-adjust" as the jaw heals. Essentially a miracle.

It's good to know that my tongue is free. That if I got sick to my stomach for some reason I wouldn't have to fear choking.  I've traded a feeling of claustrophobia for pain.

I'm sorry for all the belly aching. I did say from the on-set that this was a Blog to get my feelings out, self indulgent I know.  Keep me in your thoughts prayers.  It's a long way home from here.

A party of the worst kind...

Oh dear readers, this is not going to be a good entry and I apologize in advance. If you need to read some good news, I invite you to head to another blog.  Today was supposed to be something to look forward to, instead I am writing you wracked in agony.   Today my wires were cut.  My jaw flapped around like new born trying to stand up.  I sort of knew that the feeling was going to be weird, but this is weird in a bad way.  Firstly, my jaw is killing me.  I hadn't had any pain since the wiring occurred, but now it feels like I just feel again. I have a throbbing head ache.  My wires have been replace with two elastics. The arch bars are still on the top and bottom.
The good news is I can open my mouth about two fingers wide. The bad news is, I can't close my teeth together. My bite has completely shifted, and in a really bad way.  My teeth don't come together where they used to. It's like they are all off by 1/2 tooth.  This will leave me totally bankrupt. I can't imagine living like this, with this much pain. 
For certain, as it stands, I can say goodbye to a 25 year career. This jaw and bite mechanism is to my career what the hand is to a pianist.  I can now put pudding in my mouth and don't need to blend everything. Problem is, I'm so beside myself with anxiety and pain I don't have much of an appetite.
I never would have imagined this would happen to me.  I never would have imagined that three days before my 48th birthday, life has thrown me something so difficult to deal with emotionally and physically. My parents are a mess over this. 1000 of miles away, feeling powerless to help. They're in their 80's, they don't need this.
I realize that people are dying of cancer today. Have lost loved ones today. Have lost houses today. Are stuck miles under the ground in a mine today.  But that doesn't diminish my own little hell.  I don't know how this will all play out.
If you pray, if you chant, what ever you do, keep me in mind.  It's pity party time for this blogger.

FLOUR power...

When I read Sharon's comment about putting popcorn I chuckled...well, inside I chuckled because (for those of you who haven't read any other entry in my blog) I CAN'T OPEN MY BLOODY MOUTH!
I was thinking about just what popcorn would look like whirling around in the blender...what a mess, and would it kill the blade?  But as per usual, I have too Google everything and LOOK what I found on http://www.easyfunschool.com/article1790.html
There is even a recipe for Granola Muffins using Popcorn Flour!  I must ask my folks about this popcorn flour since they lived through the war.  I'd never thought of it but it does sound like a cheap filler.  Did you know that that "light" Kraft Parmesan cheese gross stuff in the green container on the shelf is "light" because its really half rice flour? The other half is not the best quality Parmesan cheese.
The only way to have Parmesan is shaved right off the block as far as I'm concerned.
But now I'm getting "cheesy!"
Oh kiddies...it was 42 degrees here today.  It's just unbearable.  I went to the library with my computer and stayed in the AC for the day.  I loaded up my stainless steel bottles of various blended food and marched in with my buffet in a blender. 
It's surprisingly easy to be quiet in a library when you can't open your mouth!
Tomorrow is Wednesday. The next day is Thursday.  Do you know what happens on Thursday?
Stay tuned I'll tell you.
(HINT: I already know :-)

Hot Pants....

You know how a dog pants when it is hot.  It hangs it's tongue out of the side of it's mouth and just goes for it.  If he is a boxer dog, like the ones my family bred you'll know that they work up some dandy slobber on the sides of their mouth while it is panting.  And then comes the drool!

So why do I speak of dogs and panting today?  Because where I live the city has issued an extreme heat alert.  It is above 40 degrees celcius here and there is something I discovered.  When you can't open your mouth, letting the in-breath touch the back of your throat, hang your tongue out like a dog and exclaim "damn, it's hot!"  it feels MUCH MUCH hotter.  And so I discover the deprivation of panting on a hot day.  I went out for short walk and past a dog.  He was panting.  I was envious.  He can probably chew as well!

I must say though, through all of this I have discovered some amazing things you can make in the blender.  The blender is a very hand gizmo. Personally, I don't own one, other than my hand stick blender which I've had forever. But for the kinds of things I'm blending I need the stand up kind.  So I'm borrowing a friend.  I hope the motor holds out.  So far, no smoke.

I love beets. I love carrots. I love ginger. I love celery.  I enjoy cottage cheese.  Let me tell you...if you like this combination than throw it in the blender. Steam a cup of carrots, throw in a can of rosebud beets, some dried ginger (I usually use fresh but the chunks never blend and they get stuck in my wires),   a dash of cinnamon, some fresh grated nutmeg, 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and a little sweetener of your choice.  This is SOOOO good, either warm or cold.  Basically it's like a creamy borscht (without cabbage). Ginger has been a mainstay for me. I find it calming on my stomach.  And anything vanilla flavored as well.  I have three more Ensure (or Boost) drinks left. They are good for emergencies but it is a bit too much like living on milk shakes.  I some how believe that eating the food groups rather than a bottle of fake ingredients and some nutrients thrown in is better for the over all healing.  Plus, ounce per ounce those suckers are expensive. I'd rather graze on a whole blender full of real food than suck back two gulps of 250 calories.  Yes I know...you're all worried about me loosing more weight.  Me too. But there are healthier ways to get calories in.  Besides, the fear of up-chucking is always on my mind.  I don't want to. I don't want to choke.  I might throw up all over my hot pants!

The Agony and the Ecstasy

Dear Michelangelo:

Was painting the Sistine chapel as painful as having your jaw wired shut?  I mean, looking up at the ceiling all the time must have given you one heck of a stiff neck.  Still I guess you just kept you "eye on the prize".

Hmmm...what has been the "prize" through all of this. Well, I'm not painting anything so forget that.  And I doubt my humble little blog won't go down in infamy as one of the greatest gifts to the artistic world. So I guess my prizes are discovering things about human instinct. Like the art of chewing.

Have you ever thought of how you are chewing when you eat.  It's amazing how much of a part it is in the enjoyment of food.  Now I'll presume you are well brought up like myself and aren't one of those people that chew with your mouth open so all the world can see as the food is masticated between your teeth. Because folks, that's just wrong! But it occurs to me that through drinking all my meals I am depriving myself of the pleasure of experiencing that which enters my stomach.  You have to work really hard to experience the food since essentially you are drinking everything.  So I suppose the gift or the prize here for me is that once I am craving something, I have to really slow down and try to let it swirl over my tongue (which I can't access since it is stuck behind the wired teeth!)  And in doing so I can't take the time to taste something and see if it actually is the taste I am craving.  For instance just now:

I was craving peanut butter, but also prune baby food. And I read online that they make a great combination. I could imagine the taste together in my mouth before I made it.  Then I threw it in the blender and TA DA....it was the taste I was imagining. And it's GOOD!  I mean, it would be. I've had an appetizer of a medjol date with the pit taken out and a fresh California walnut in the centre and that is YUMMY!  So dried fruit and nut is a logical combination.  Prunes, being dried plums makes sense.  In fact, if you have prunes at home you can try it...just smear some peanut butter on a prune and pop it in. EAT IT WITH YOU MOUTH CLOSED...the really experience the taste. It's quite wonderful.

So  tonight's small dinner appetizer was a success.  When drinking food, you really can only get so much liquid down the gullet, so I find 8-10 oz. of food at a time works well.  Too much liquid and you just feel gross.

Last night my teeth and gums were in agony. I think they are inflamed, and the wires are rubbing on the inside of my mouth.  I guess that is why God created Advil. Except I have to take children's liquid Advil, double the dose, and water it down a bit and suck it through as straw. I found a bubble gum flavoured one...oh, its YUMMY!  I have to remind myself it's medicine. Just what I need  right now, a 911 distress call...."Help! I've overdosed on bubble gum flavored Children's Advil.  That's what I  need, more humiliation!

I wonder if Michelangelo would use Advil for his stiff neck if he were alive today?


Tonight the Emmy Awards are on.  I love them so.  Usually I pop big bowls of popcorn and watch the Emmy awards (and similarly the Oscars).  It's gonna really suck to watch them without crunch salty snacks. Instead, I'll be dining on more blended soup.  All the prunes baby food is gone.  I'll appreciate those prunes in the morning.  I'll leave you to ponder what that means! 

Mama said there'd be days like this....

Well that quote from a song might give you a hint that I am a professional singer, well so my resume of the past 25 years would indicate.  Yikes you say...and you broke your jaw!  Yes indeed.  The implications of this little fainting spell are far reaching.  In my Country, we entertainment types who don't fall into the "mega-star" category aren't privy to all of those nifty benefits like some of you types who choose a SENSIBLE profession (please read that with a touch of envy).

It is worth noting that no mater what someone does in ones professional life, no matter how successful, be wise and plan ahead for days like this.   I guess insurance always looks like a rip-off at the time, but it is with 20-20 hind site....well you know the rest.

I remember once, when I was in post secondary school, I was having a particularly rotten day.  I must have been trying to win someones affections and they weren't returning the gesture. I dunno, having lived a little now I'm sure it was bordering on trivial.  But I walked by the administrative secretary who said: "hey, how ya doin' today". To which I replied: "This is the worst day of my life"
She quickly responded: "trust me, there will be worse" And she was an eternal optimist!
How right she was!

My mom is in her 80's.  I'm the youngest of seven.  She is being such a wonderful mommy right now, even though my family lives 1000's of miles away.  When something like this happens part of you (if your the baby of the family) knows that feeling where you just want to be looked after.

Ok, enough naval gazing kiddo.  In 5 days you'll have the wires cut and move over to rubber bands for a few weeks.  Maybe I'll be able to pull my jaw apart wide enough to put a little tiny spoon in and eat something like pudding.

I've lost considerable weight by now which I can't really afford to loose.  I do have some of those Meal Replacement shakes but they are pretty intense (and expensive!).  I'm such a chef, I just don't feel like sucking back a quick sugary sweet pre made drink, no matter how many "complete minerals" it says it has.  Those suckers are gone in three gulps and an hour later your starving again.

As I type I am having my most recent craving.  Rosebud beats (from the can)  blended with steamed baby carrots, some ginger, nutmeg, cottage cheese, and hemp protein powder. Thanks to my reader who brought up hemp protein powder.  I usually have some for my muffins (oh I miss my muffins!) so it works well in blended drinks.

I think that part of healing well means eating well.  I can't really afford to be going off shopping for all of this stuff, but the opposite would mean disaster.  I'm breathing deeply and trusting that somehow the Universe wants me to learn something from this.  What's that saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger".

Listen to me! Self indulgent pitying I suppose. I'm not a miner stuck in a mine in Cuba for months.  But in my own little world this is my reality.  I'm not the first person to be saddled with unexpected massive bills that will be followed by massive debt.  I'm inspired by those who have rebuilt their lives on this weekend, the anniversary of Katrina, and think of those who still have so far to go to rebuild. It is humbling. 

The Show must go on....that's always been my motto.  I hope I find my voice again.  It's an important part of my anatomy.  One thing is for sure...I'm simply not opening my mouth with all of these smashed teeth.

How can I get on one of those make over shows!  Hello...any producers out there! This would be your before shot. (sorry, couldn't open my mouth wide enough to show you all the wires for busted teeth. (now did you really need to see this I ask myself?)